The Frog Singer (G)

G rated


 This is a short children's story that I call a "Froggy Tale". 
It is nonsensical and outlandish but, so am I.

Part one - Ribbiteering

"It is truly a wise man who
does not play leap frog with a Unicorn"

 "How may ribbits doe it take to make a frog croak?" 

The Frog Singer knows and maybe the Shadow.

Josy Rae, a beautiful young woman from the village of Roseville, was missing. No one had seen or heard from her for two weeks. From the moment that she came up missing, it was obvious to the local population that the strange old man that lived down by the mill pond was responsible.

The locals whispered about him in the pubs and at the village square. Someone had suggested that the old man had sacrificed her in some kind of Satanic Ritual. After all, any man who sang songs to frogs had to be an agent of the Devil himself. That rumor had been accepted as "the truth" and all we sure that the sweet young Josy Rae was lying at the bottom of the pond with cement blocks tied to her ankles.

Henry Blackthorne, the local town constable, thought of as a throwback to the old town constables of the seventeenth century, was uneducated, unprofessional and lazy. He was also the son of a national politician and rumored that he had spent his younger years in some kind of prison. Most thought his daddy's influence and money had won him the position. 

Normally, being the law enforcement in a small English village was not a job that required much effort because there were very few crimes. But, now a local woman was missing and Blackthorne had no clue as to why. He also had no clue what he should do next so his pat answer was, "I'm working on it."

To his credit, he had called detectives from London and asked their advice. They were of the opinion that lovely Josy Rae had simply gone off for a holiday and would soon return. He had also contacted Scotland Yard and received the same advice. "Just being missing isn't a crime," he was told.

 / // / / /
What happened to the lovely, adorable, cute affectionate, Josy Rae?

Was she taken by the infamous Oil Can Harry?

Is she tied to the railroad tracks?

Is there a hero, any hero, galloping to her rescue?

 / / / / / / /

Part two - Their Sleuthinesses (something akin to his nibs)

In part one we found a missing damsel, a confused sheriff and a strange man who sings to frogs...

"Frogs have it easy. 
They can eat what bugs them."

We pick up our story in a local pub...

In the back corner of the Shenanigan's Irish Pub sat four old men dressed in T-Shirts with the logo "KART" printed on the front.

 Now these men were not fat old men waiting to die. They were adventurous and full of life. Each one a writer and famous for his own styles of writing but as they got older they wanted to help people so they formed KART, a detective agency designed to solve crimes that baffled others.

They came from all over the globe. The group consisted of "Kambo Witherspoon", a specialist in English government affairs and famous for solving the horse meat murders in early 2013. "Regger Boonsdocker", a noted crime author from Australia and famous for solving the Kensington murders in the small city of Wagga Wagga.  "Darthstar Goldenspoon", a writer and crime investigator from England with a background in Forensic Science, and finally "Toltin Tolkenbottom", famous for belonging to MENSA and solving  crimes that most people believed the greatest criminalist of them all, Sherlock Holmes, could not have solved.

This mighty band of warriors had been called by a niece of Josy Rae and asked for their help in locating the poor damsel. They are sipping mugs of Hooligan Ale and brain storming on the various things that could have caused her disappearance. Also sitting at the table is the local sheriff that had not been able to find one clue as to what had happened to missing damsel.

They asked him if he had interviewed the old frog singer and he hadn't. They asked him if he had a diver check the bottom of the pond and he hadn't. They asked him if he had searched her home and he hadn't. They asked him exactly what he had done and his answer was, "I'm working on it".

Our heroes knew the first step was to talk to the old frog singer. The old frog singer was known as Ribbit the Grizzly Bear because of his long shaggy hair, his grizzly bear beard, the girth of his belly and he sang to frogs. The frogs ribbited and croaked in rhythm to his music. Ribbit lived in an old shack by the mill pond. He was hired to keep the old water wheel running and to be the local color for tourists that wanted to see a mill pond, a water wheel and a fat hairy man that sang to the frogs. If they were very unlucky, he would read them some of his very bad poetry.

When our regal panel of investigators arrived at the pond, Ribbit was singing "All you need is Love" to the frogs and the frogs were ribbiting along to the beat of his guitar. The Sleuths waited patiently until Ribbit had finished and the frogs quit dancing and the frog singer ask them to sit down.

When they quizzed him about the beautiful Josy, he refused to cooperate.

"Sure," he said. "I know what happened to Josy Rae but, I'm not going to tell you."

/ / / / / / /

Did Josy Rae steal Sammy One Shoe shoe and just hop away away into the sunset?

Did she decide she was really Sammy One Shoe and fly home to Kilgary?

Is our merry band of sleuths up to the daunting task of solving this mystery?

Or...will they just go on back to Shenanigan's Irish Pub for more grog?

and there a sneaky albino snake lurking in the garden of flowers?

/ / / / / / 

part three...The Grilling ( and it's not frong legs)

We return to our story...


"We think to small, like a frog at the bottom of the well. 
He thinks the sky is only as big as the top of the well. 
If he surfaced, he would have an entirely different view."
                                                                                     Mao Tse-Tung

The Frog singer claimed he knew what had happened to beautiful damsel Josy Rae but he was smug about his knowledge and refused to tell our eminent band of crime fighters anything.

"Everyone thinks you killed her," Regger said.

"Why won't you tell us," asked Toltin

"The government can make you talk," Kambo threatened.

"I can make you talk," Darthstar said.

"It won't do you any good," Ribbit vowed. "I promised her on my honor as a frog singer that I wouldn't tell a soul where she was going or what she is doing. If I break that promise I will be croaked to death by hundreds of angry frogs and croaking from being croaked is not a pretty death."

"So, she went somewhere," they all said as one. "Where did she go?" Again, they all spoke in unison. Ribbit shrugged his shoulders.

The four layered voice wanted to know if she was dead?...Was she was kidnapped?...Was she with anyone?...Is anyone asking for a ransom?

"No…no…no…and no," was the response of Ribbit Bear.

Then an angry sound began to emanate from the bubbles of the pond, the pads on top of the pond, the grass around around the pond, the trees above the pond and finally from the sky above above the pond. At first it was a low rumble and then it grew in to a thunderous roar. Then the frogs and the crows (yes, there are crows that croak and they are in on this dastardly plot) began croaking in unison and the sound made the earth rumble and it seemed as if the water wheel and the old gristmill that it was attached to would come tumbling down as did the walls of Jerico.

The sleuths ducked their heads and plugged their ears with their fingers. "Please," they yelled. "Make them stop!"

The frog singer put his hand up and then began to strum a few chords of the "Frog went a-Courtin" and that calmed the angry frogs and the angry crows down...a little. The thunderous rumble of croaking diminished into a melodic sound of ribbiting (all except the crows...crows croak but do not ribbit). The crows landed in the trees and watched the strange visitors as if they were plotting some kind of aerial bombardment on them should they try to accost the frog singer in any way.

Now our band of sleuthy warriors was somewhat discombobulated. (How about that word? I think I stole it from an "intelligent person" somewhat related to one of our warriors, but maybe not.)

Be as it may, they were discombobulated and immediately began their pleas of innocence. "Why are they mad at us?"

"You have pissed them off," Ribbit croaked. " They think you are here to harm the beautiful and sexy Josy Rae."

"Harm her? Not so old frog singer," Kambo pleaded. "We have sacrificed our time to find the beautiful Josy Rae. We have come to save her not to bury her." (Where have I heard that line before?)

Now comes the part we all love - tune in tomorrow for the next and final chapter...

 / /  / /  /

Is the old frog singer pulling the legs of the infamous quadrapod of sleuths?

Is the beautiful Josy Rae really safe?.. or has...well you know...but, I can't bring myself to say it or write it.

Has our illustrious writer written himself into a corner and not able to write his way out of it?

Maybe we should ask our famous writer detectives to write the final chapter...

After going back to Shenanigans will they ever be able to write again?...

 / / / / / / / /

Part four - And the winner is is now tomorrow...

"I've got a dream too.
It's about singing and dancing and making people happy.
That's the kind of dream that gets better the more people you share it with."
                                                                             Kermit the frog

Returning to our story and the mill pond...
...We find the frogs humming a low ribbit or ribbiting a low hum while the frog singer strums the "Frog went A-Courtin" on his guitar, the crows sitting in the trees glaring at our four eclectic heroes and our heroes huddled in a circle like they were calling a football play (American not English).

Then a beautiful lilting tune could be heard coming from the sweet, sexy and beautiful Josy Rae and the not so sweet and sexy albino snake...(Josy sang...the snake hissed)

a snake went a dancin and he did slide hiss...hiss

a snake went a dancin and he did slide hiss...hiss...hiss...hiss...

a snake went a dancin and he did slide, we came home with
trophy's by our side...hiss...hiss...hiss...hiss...hiss...hiss...

While our our heroes planned their next move by drawing lines in the dirt with sticks, the beautiful, alluring, charming, sweet Josy Rae walked in with an albino snake wrapped around her neck singing the "Snake went a dancin" song and of course it was to the frog courtin music. (Yep, those are the words, right up there).

Josy put that albino snake on the ground and whilst (for my English friends) the frog singer strummed and Josy Rae sang and the frogs ribbited and the crows bobbed and weaved in the tree tops, and the four detectateers tapped their toes, that old snake showed them what a real snake dance looked like...Proving (you know whats just have to know)...proving that White Snakes really do, "do it better". And...that's not the same do-do that's in my blog.

When the albino snake had finished dancin and a hissin, the four KART men gathered around Josy Rae and asked her where she had been.

The beautiful, sexy, alluring, cute (If you can think of any other adjectives just poke them in here) Josy Rae batted her long eye lashes and said, "Me and the snake just went on over to Taos, New Mexico, in the US of A and entered their first annual snake dancin and poetry contests and we won."

Naturally our heroes wanted to know why she hadn't told anyone but the frogs, the crows and the old frog singer.

"Because, everyone in the village makes fun of poetry and they think the only place a snake should dance is in India."

Our heroes escorted the voluptuous Josy Rae back to town to announce how she had won the poetry contest. The frog singer followed, strumming (you know what) on his guitar. The frogs hopped along behind the frog singer and the crows hopped along behind the frogs (no, they didn't fly) and the snake formed the tail (get it?).

When the procession entered the village, the first person to see them ran up and down the streets yelling, "Josy's coming, Josy's coming (where have I heard that before), Josy's coming...the detectives from KART have saved the beautiful Josy Rae."

Before anyone could could correct the bad information, it was on the radio, television and in the newspapers that our heroes really were heroes. It was reported that they had plucked the beautiful Josy Rae right out of the mouth of the wicked, mean and evil "Lizard Toes". (You can see how these things take on their lives of their own.)

..."Lizard Toes"?...where the hell did that come from?

Our heroes were awarded hero medals and a kiss on the cheek from the beautiful and sexy Josy Rae and returned to there previous lives as national heroes, never to wash their cheeks again.

Josy Rae returned to her poetry and when she read this story she said, That is so frong, it is frong on all levels, I cannot even begin to tell you how frong it is." ....(thank you Mrsupole.... wherever you are)...where have I heard that before?

The last I heard of the albino snake, he had immigrated to New Zealand.

The frog singer...well the frog singer is still "the frog singer" but now he has to try and explain away the wicked, mean and evil... and dastardly "Lizzard Toes"...

I guess we've all had enough....thanks for plowing through this pile of muck with me.

I sincerely apologize to anyone that might think there is anything in this story about them. This story is purely fictional and created from the bowels of my mind.

If I have said or done anything to offend anyone, you are welcome to give me 40 lashes with a wet noodle...

Yes Josy Rae..this is absolutely frong...

No, I won't do the Porky Pig thing but...that's all folks...

Okay, one more thing...My punishment for writing this...I can't get the "Frog went A-Courtin" song out of my head

oh..oh..oh..I almost forgot...the question that started this whole mess...

How many Ribbits does it take to make a frog croak?

One will do it...Ribbiting and croaking are mating calls...the females ribbit and the males answer with a croak...the biggest croak gets the female (where have I heard that before)...

the end (Thank you Lord)

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